The Powers That Be

La la la...

2003-07-04T08:21:26Z

Things are cookin'
Things are shakin'
Got me a new boy
And it's luv we makin'

Oooh yeah.

On a more serious note, we just finished this year's Karmic Inventory, and I must say -- destroying a town full of evil sure puts a dent in Evil Debit column! Yay! Goooooooo, team!

Mrph.

2003-06-26T08:35:13Z

Apparently, I will at some point become suicidal. Interesting.

Meme!

2003-06-19T06:16:59Z

the_powers
Magic Number	17
Job	Actor
Personality	Chancer
Temperament	Cool And Calm
Sexual	Whatever, Whenever, Whoever
Likely To Win	The Wrath Of My Peers
Me - In A Word	Effervescent
Colour
Brought to you by MemeJack

You've Got Mail!

2003-06-13T00:05:02Z

To: Buffy Summers [buffy@hellmouth.us]
From: Thomas, Powers, Trent & Brown Associates [tptb@helmouth.us]
Subject: Inheritance

Dear Miss Summers,

In the course of executing the will of one of our clients, Miss Hope Chastain, we discovered that she had recently changed her bequests. According to Miss Chastain's notes, she was expecting you to arrive in Cleveland sometime in the near future and as such, at your convenience, we would be pleased if you could come to our offices so we may settle the issue of inheritance as soon as convenient.

As I'm sure you know, Miss Chastain was a wealthy woman. She has named you and two other individuals, one Mr. Xander Harris and one Miss Willow Rosenberg as her sole heirs. Her estate, Tanglewood, is located nearby. If you wish, we can arrange for you to tour the estate before coming in to our office to settle the paperwork involved.

Sincerely,
Robert Trent

Thomas, Powers, Trent & Brown
Attorneys at Law

An Obituary - The Cleveland Plain Dealer

2003-06-09T04:14:30Z

Hope Marie Chastain

1929-2003

The residents of Walton Lake are saddened today by the loss of one of the community's most eccentric and beloved residents. Miss Chastain lived at Tanglewood, one of the oldest and grandest of the 19th century estates in the area. The Chastain family has held Tanglewood since 1903, when Miss Chastain's father immigrated to the area from France.

Miss Chastain was active in community theatre and children's causes, sponsoring a Children's Fair every autumn with circus performers and a troupe of 'gypsies' who would read fortunes and tell stories for the guests. She was also active in the Big Cat Sanctuary Project at the Cleveland Zoo, sponsoring buildings which enabled to zoo to procure a group of rare Central American jaguars.

The executor of her estate has asked that no gifts or flowers be sent to the funeral home; instead, Miss Chastain stipulated in her will that she would like any gifts in her memory to be sent on to the Zoo Society instead.

the_powers @ 2003-06-05T23:55:00

2003-06-06T06:57:26Z

o/~ You are my sunshine, my only sunshine,
o/~ You make me happy, when skies are grey
o/~ You'll never know dear, how much I love you
o/~ Please don't take my sunshine away...

Now. I have a certain fondness for the good old fashion visceral delight of a fountain pen on fine paper. There's nothing sweeter than the rasp of a nib on Crane's 100% Cotton Laid Pattern Paper in Ecruwhite.

But frankly, there are too bloody many Slayers to even -think- about keeping track of them the old fashioned way. We've had to digitalize it. Twenty-first century tech the whole way. Fortunately there are some people up here who understand those kinds of things.

I'll see about getting the IT department to start utilizing the Net for this database. Slayers keep popping faster than we can enter them. We might have to go to some sort of public screening method.

Hrm.

Ledger Entry #4829

2003-05-23T07:22:51Z

Subject: William the Bloody
aka 'Spike'
Birth: Approx 1860 A.D.
Death/Turning: 1880 A.D.
Ensoulment: 2002 A.D.
Origin: A poet in London sired by Drusilla in 1880. Rampaged throughout the world. Killed two slayers. Inexplicably sought out a soul (First. Time. Ever.) and consequently acted in search of redemption. Will wear leather pants with little urging.
Special Powers: See 'vampire, generic'. Also, remarkable spiritual resilience.

Notes:

This information to remain strictly classified until events have played themselves out in the fall.

We have reviewed William's casefile after the recents events in (and below) Sunnydale. It should come as no surprise to any of the Incorporeal that We are recommending immediate and proper reward for the remarkable sacrifice and hope his act has brought to the world. Frankly, we need all the Champions we can get. The First broke so many rules that we're going to have a busy time sorting things out. There is, consequently, room for maneuvering. This is Our official action plan for the next six months, and We will be forwarding the necessary reports to Requisitions and Destiny regarding the appropriate manipulations to the fate lines and causality.

...continued on page 42...

Again?

2003-05-23T07:05:19Z

Man. I hate dying.

At least the Wal Mart got sucked into the enormous pit of doom just like everything else. No more ladies wear for me!

Good thing The Ledger is indestructible. Back to the heavenly grind, I guess.

Dude.

2003-04-03T17:48:07Z

I would just like to say that Certain Folks In LA really shouldn't be blaiming Us for their own blind spots, okay?

We can't be bending like, all the rules, to just -tell- them what to do. Being the good guys means exercising that free will (and yes, you do have some) and doing it the right way.

...bloody hell, Connor, We went all MANIFESTATION on you and you blew Us off. Hrmph. You suxx0r.

*pout*

the_powers @ 2003-04-01T21:42:00

2003-04-02T05:42:08Z

Well. Tried to call the Summers house and the phone was off the hook. I don't think I really want to know what's going on over there.

However, I do not think D'hoffryn can possibly know about the switching of bodies, which means I can't be in danger here. So.

*goes back to reading*

the_powers @ 2003-04-01T20:06:00

2003-04-02T04:07:08Z

Well, the only thing that didn't still have Wal Mart stickers on it in this dreary little apartment is this book. It -does- have 'PRIVATE' and 'DO NOT READ' on it, but I figure -- what if this is some dangerous plot that the forces of good must be made aware of? And what if there are interesting rumours and/or coupons of significant value inside that might expire at any moment?

*opens The Karmic Ledger*

*reads*

*jaw drops*

the_powers @ 2003-04-01T17:20:00

2003-04-02T01:20:56Z

Well. I must have fallen asleep, because I just woke up.

This doesn't look like my apartment! What is...?

*looks at mirror*

*squints*

...

There is a distressingly normal looking woman with ordinary hair and a tacky blue vest in the mirror.

I AM THE WOMAN IN THE BLUE VEST.

*hyperventilates*

*pauses*

*goes off to search apartment for interesting commercial opportunities and/or information re: identity*

o/~ Noodle, canoodle, a-doodle doobie doo...o/~

2003-03-26T09:15:59Z

Damn. 'Early One Morning' is vicious to get out of one's head. For some reason I've been humming it all day.

I finally got the computer fixed. No easy feat on Walmart's hourly wage, let me tell you! I had to save my pennies, but it turned out all it needed was a new modem and that was only about $20.

Got promoted to shift manager when my previous boss got eaten out back where management makes the smokers go on their breaks.

Either it's an elaborate strategy to lower their insurance premiums, or the Surgeon General really WAS right.

Still working on figuring that one out.

Wal-Mart is an import from a Hell Dimension...

2003-03-02T23:19:00Z

...I am convinced of it.

Those vests. Those buttons. The endless expanses of shiny white linoleum reflecting flickering flourescent lights forever into your eyes until you feel like shards of glass exploding into your gray matter would be a RELIEF. The seemingly never-faltering waves of overweight housewives in Keds pushing strollers filled with mewling snotty rotund children throwing my precious ladies' wear ALL OVER THE STORE JUST AFTER I FINALLY GOT THE KATHY LEE SPECIAL LINE SORTED OUT.

That is it. I am fed up. I quit.

Now. How the heaven am I going to pay rent?

Hellmouths and vacancy rates

2003-02-28T07:49:19Z

Well. I'm here.

Have found that Hellmouths make for excellent apartment vacancy rates, if one does not mind having to clean out the former tenants belongings. Also helps if one sends flowers to funeral home - excellent 'in' with landlords if one seems nice.

Employment of a low-wage sort also appears easy to find, given the astonishingly high number of fatalities on the graveyard (ha) shift at Wal-Mart. Today I am the proud member of the Wal-Mart family! They gave me a vest and a happy-face button. Is very exciting.

Have taken the name 'Thea Powers' because that is all that came out when asked, "What is your name?" And I replied "The, uh, powers." But seems as if no one noticed the slip, so, yay me.

Will still be keeping track of karma in ledger, only must remember to upload data from my laptop. Takes so long over dial-up, but the DSL will not be installed for ten days, or so Earthlink says...

Am cautiously optimistic over this. Yes. Must find a way to interact with other Forces Of Good in Sunnydale w/o drawing suspicion re: divine alter ego. Am thinking accidental pizza delivery may work, unless hungry SiTs riot and am trampled in ensuing stampede.

Well. This tears it.

2003-02-27T03:41:07Z

Just got back from the Weekly Planning Meeting. The offices have spontaneously morphed from the tropical island of joy into something straight out of Office Space. Only without the red Swingline stapler.

We're incarnating. And I got nominated to go.

Of course, that doesn't mean much, since We're a universal consciousness in addition to being all-powerful. 'I' am just a created entity of thought who has access to a LiveJournal. And email. I guess the rest of Us thought I was the most qualified to go.

I really, really had to hold back pointing out what happened the -last- time we incarnated. Part of Us still gets the willies whenever We drive past telephone poles or hear a rooster going off. Honestly.

They tell me it's a strictly temporary assignment and that I'll remain strictly anonymous the entire time -- no big revelations, no obvious miracles, nothing.

I'm still worried. :(

Oy.

2003-02-14T06:56:40Z

You know, it's bad enough that all hell is breaking loose (ha ha) and the sun is out and Angelus still isn't wearing leather pants, but now people are blaming -Us- for this? Honestly. You would have thought someone would have remembered that whole 'free will' thing. Totally not our fault if you humans muck up reality and let the earth get destroyed.

Hmph. We are perturbed.

That said, We have been hard at work sorting things out on a cosmic level, and we think we've found a way of getting things back on track. Providing, of course, that the whole 'free will' thing doesn't go off again. Accounting for all of the permutations is bloody time consuming.

Even Jonathan's been helping. The poor PS2 has gotten a layer of dust on it this past week. We had three temps in Admitting literally self-combust, and let me tell you, you've never seen panic until you've seen a newly-arrived soul have to deal with their Admissions officer literally turning to ashes in their Ergochair.

Bah. Stupid apocalpyses. At least they have the good taste to only happen in February or May; August is always free for our vacation, thank Me.

Personal Log, February 1st 2003

2003-02-01T10:18:27Z

Have decided that California champions are in dire need of assistance re: upcoming apocalypses, and have put out a notice accordingly. Unfortunately, am receiving a lot of negatives on the RSVP front.

* John Constantine is busy somewhere in the Sudan, plus swears extremely loudly whenever the word 'California' is mentioned. Believe he objects to sun. (Certainly could not be air quality. Ha. Ha.)

* Anita Blake considered on the DL due to extreme psychological strangeness. Has been shagging everything that howls in her home town. Yuck. (Post it note: Send someone to look into that)

* Am not even bothering to call three witches in San Francisco as they are perpetually more wrapped up in their silly lives than anything IMPORTANT. Hmph. Plus, v. miffed they did not come to my birthday fondue bash.

* Also left messages for the Professor Strange, Nick Knight, Sam Beckett, the X-Men, the A-Team, and Penn & Teller. Am not sure any of these are actually real, but what the hell, is worth shot. (Heard rumor that Teller can talk after all! V. funny trick, that.)

May have to resort to desparate measures if no reinforcements pan out.

Personal Log

2003-01-30T07:03:15Z

Smart champions are so hard to find.

I'd better get down to Admitting and pitch in. Angelus is loose; let the carnage commence.

Special Addendum to Ledger: Casefile #898920394981

2003-01-24T08:11:10Z

Subject: Dawn 'Shiny' Summers
'Birth': Approximately 30 months ago
Origin: The Glorious and Primeval Essence of the Universe
Special Powers: See 'hair, shiny' and 'death, screech of'

Notes:

Contrary to the initial impression, Ms. Summers is in posession of a rather impressive soul. No unsouled being could angst with such clarity of focus. Plus, she squeaks very amusingly when she falls off things.

Anyway. We have found after considerable observation that the continued existence of the Essential Energy (or 'Key', if you will) hinges upon her attachments to her current reality. In her lies a great untapped potential for maintaining the universe. We hope that her family and friends will realize this and stop leaving her unattended after major life-altering revelations, especially when windows are nearby.

Not that We ought to tell her this, as it will no doubt go right to her head and have her prancing around the Earth as if she was God's Gift.

Which of course she was, but really. A little humility is good for everyone.

[End Notes]

(( Previous Entry - 'Arc, Joan of' )) ----- (( Next Entry - 'Faith, Slayer' ))

Memo from the Head Office

2003-01-21T00:17:55Z

To: Deadfolks@afterlife.org
From: tptb@afterlife.org
Re: Internal Memo

Alright, listen up. We've been getting a crapload of complaints and ressurection requests lately, and it's got to stop. I know you're all worried about your friends and loved ones, but seriously, there's a reason this is called Afterlife -- it comes -after- life. It's not an interlude between jaunts on earth, except through the traditional methods of reincarnation.

Now. Enough is enough. We've got a backlog in Reincarnation and we will get to each one of you as soon as we can. The current estimated duration between death and reincarnation is 138 years; but don't panic, thing will be very cool in the next century. The guys who wrote The Matrix are not prescient. Relax.

The afterlife is not a revolving door. People, please. Learn to stay dead.

Thank you.

The Powers That Be
Senior Managers of All That Exists, Will Exist, or Has Existed

Sunnydale Ledger Entry for Thursday

2003-01-17T06:03:43Z

(( My apologies to the Accounting Department for this being a little late -- it's been hectic up here. ))

SUNNYDALE ADJUSTMENTS
----------------------------

Buffy: +2 (diligent in her world protecting), -2 (overcaffeinated attacking of innocent stuffed animal in sleep), +1 (not making fun of Giles' bedhead -- much)
= +1 karma adjustment (no line at the Starbucks on the highway to Nunavut)

Willow: +4 (talking DoppleXander out of vamping people), +1 (not picking on Andrew when it would be so easy to do so)
= +5 karma adjustment (classified benefit to be revealed at next budget meeting)

Xander: +2 (being antagonized by vampire doppleganger), -1 (ate entire box of Krispy Kreme from stress), -1 (not catching blatant teddy bear clues)
= +/- 0 karma adjustment (he's going to feel those Krispy Kreme's in the morning, but his pants still fit. Really.)

Giles: +3 (dedication to tea prompts city-wide break out of tea houses in Seattle), -2 (called a bike messenger a poncy git after nearly being run over)
= +1 adjustment (no bed head tomorrow)

Spike: +4 (saving the house from demonic dolls), -1 (extremely ill-advised matchmaking), -1 (kitten-napping), +1 (replacing broken 'Open Mic' mug)
= +3 adjustment (Buffy has sweet dreams of Spike Love)

Slayers-in-Training (Collective): -1 (panicking at the sight of demonic dolls), +2 (not destroying the house, again), -1 (hints of bloodshed over continued bathroom stress)
= +/- 0 karma adjustment (NOBODY DIES TODAY)

Andrew: +3 (surprisingly good poem), -1 (musical taste. ugh)
= +2 karma adjustment (Only +63 to go until positive numbers!)

New Entry
---------

Angmar, Witch-King of: Due to copyright issues, I can't go into detail. Sufficed to say, the Witch-King has been cruising on neutral to slightly negative points due to unleashing a Singing Demon onto Sunnydale, while at the same time counseling its residents into a rather more lucid state.
= +/- 0 karma adjustment. Refer case to the Valar for processing.

The Price of Omniscience...

2003-01-15T09:01:31Z

...is having to keep track of everything all at once. Bah. It's distracting, I tell you. It's a good thing I have assistants, though honestly, with all the hubub these days I may have to subcontract to some mortal minions for help with the bookkeeping.

Apparently, some creature is out there impersonating thefirstgood as the antithesis of thefirstevil and using lots of Seventh Heaven icons. We would like to warn all our friendly folk that not everyone is as it seems, and that -technically- being the first evil or first good still implies someone was there first.

Ie, moi.

That said, to the various immortal power forces in the universe running amok, We have this to add:

You break it, you buy it. Universes are damn expensive and labor intensive and all sales are final, so We'd better not be hearing any cosmic smashing sounds coming from this one, hear?

Play nice.

That said, today's ledger will be a little late. I'm positively swimming in paperwork, I tell you. Not to mention I still have a hangover from Jonathan's dubious drink mixing skills. Oy.

Confidential to stephen_connor: We are looking out for you, kiddo, but in the name of all that is holy and good, please keep the Oedipal madness to a minimum. Thank you kindly.

Confidential to red_witch: Am forwarding divine prophecy of interest to you, once We find suitable vessel for delivery. All magic mirrors are broken or on loan to Fairies and Fey Division, else would be there sooner. Working on it.

Semi-Confidential to _ripper_: Love ya, sweetie. Pack extra sweaters for Nunavut, okay?

Answers for Prayers and Exhortations...

2003-01-13T09:06:27Z

will be slightly delayed today, as someone has shipped Us a copy of 'Civilization III' and a box of bonbons.

See you tomorrow.

The Powers' Ledger Entry: Saturday

2003-01-12T04:17:44Z

01-11-2003

Daily Karmic Pool Adjustments for Sunnydale, CA

Spike: -1 (getting Willow drunk), +3 (returning my 'Passions' tapes), -1 (tormenting poor Andrew)
= +1 adjustment (good hair day tomorrow)

Buffy: -1 (self-delusion), +2 (daily Slayer evil combatting adjustment), +1 (gracefully enduring lack of bathroom)
= +2 adjustment (finds pair of very flattering jeans on half-price at Banana Republic)

Willow: -1 (lusting after underage Kennedy), +4 (resisting temptation with said cupcake Kennedy), +2 (setting up functioning web goodies for Scoobies)
= +5 adjustment (a general feeling of returning self-worth and very happy dreams about kittens and lovely space hookers)

Dawn: -1 (general shininess), +2 (coping well with invasion of MiniSlayers), -1 (considering allying with evil for better bathroom privaledges)
= +/-0 adjustment (no zits, but still can't fit into those ridiculously small pants she bought last week)

Xander: +3 (too. many. girls), +1 (not killing Spike), -1 (deliberately being loud whilst Spike is hungover)
= +3 adjustment (gets checked out by cute clerk at Home Depot whilst buying plumbing supplies and feels cool all day long)

Andrew: +1 (not doing anything overtly evil), -1 (being unrepentant and somewhat irritating)
= +/- 0 adjustment (seriously in deficit spending already -- but nobody kills him. Yet.)

Giles: Adjustments are Classified D19 Ultraviolet. Please see Special Accounting Records in Department 9.

Anya: +3 (going along with dangerous mission), -1 (griping about going on along with dangerous mission)
= +2 adjustment (stock portfolio received a modest boost as the tech sector rebounds)

Faith: +2 (not beating up Bertha in cellblock 4), +1 (thoughtfully pondering existence), -1 (cheating at Twister - again)
= +2 adjustment (paying off previous deficit - only 14 points left until positive numbers!)

Kennedy: +3 (taking care of drunk Willow), -1 (pondering lewd things while taking care of drunk Willow)
= +2 adjustment (butt looks killer in those pants and anyone interested will certainly notice)

*closes book*

Happy Deathday!
Your name:	the_powers
You will die on:	Saturday, November 24, 2029
You will die of:	Smote by God
Username:

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